A few weeks ago I took the girls up to Savers to get some much needed clothing for Megan.  I think this has been the only time when Shea has been thankful for hand me downs, since she didn’t need clothes she was able to look at the toys and still be in my line of vision.  Megan was having fun finding clothes, she couldn’t just take something off the rack and look at it, she would take it off the rack, hold it out in front of her like a fashion designer and either agree with the look or disagree and put it back on the rack to wait for it’s next potential buyer.  Shea was doing much the same with the toys, she would pick it up, examine it to see what it could do or was supposed to do and put it back.  While Meg was content looking at every item hanging on the rack between the 10 and 12, Shea would come over every so often holding her, hoping to be next, greatest toy in her hand and without saying a word, just by a look she would go put it back.  At one point all she did was look up at the biggest stuffed animal there and glance at me and know that was a no go, basic rule to live by, if a stuffed animal won’t fit in the cart then you don’t need it now and won’t want it later.    When every clothing item in Meg’s size had been properly examined, she held about 8 pieces in her hands to try on.  Shea was now standing next to me waiting patiently while Meg would try on an item and come out fashion show style for my approval, all 8 items met my approval and were headed for a new home.  Meg also wanted to look at shoes and Shea was happy to get back to her toy browsing.   By this time I had decided that I would let Shea get a little something since she waited so patiently while Meg tried on clothes in true Meg fashion, the words fast, quick, speedy are not in Meg’s vocabulary, just aren’t, hopefully they will make a debut one of these years.   Shea must have known that a yes was in store for her because no sooner as I thought that I would let her get something did she wander over with a little fake icat that just needed batteries and would work perfectly.  I told her that just because it didn’t have a battery at the moment didn’t mean it would for sure work with a battery in it.  At that thought, she put it back and started browsing again while Meg was trying on every high heel 3 sizes too big for her…..that’s productive…  I, oh so subtly reminded her of her shoe size and tennis shoes being the keyword in what she was supposed to be shopping for.  Here comes Shea again with a bag of something in her hand.  Upon closer look, it was a bag of small pieces, oh boy small pieces, but wait these connect together and can be made into something bigger, that is a plus.  Looking up with a huge smile on her face, she said, “this is what I want, for sure, please mommy.”  With new treasure in hand we made our way to the register and headed home with our new to us things.   No, sooner than we were in the car did I hear the dreaded words, “Mom, can I open my new toy in the car? I promise I won’t lose any pieces!”  What’s the saying, fool me once but fool me twice….   I barely got the car turned off in the garage before Shea bolted out and ran to her room to assemble her new toy.   I got in the house, started some of the new clothes washing, walked upstairs, went to her room and she was just about done putting together her toy, a lego helicopter that still had the directions.   With the last piece snapped into place, it was ready to fly.   She would fly it around and then have it land and do the same thing over and over, she asked if I wanted a turn so I flew it around and upon landing, toppled over.   I thought this can’t be right, shouldn’t it now be sitting and not laying.   I looked at the picture on the directions and noticed that is was missing the landing skids, had to look that one up.  The helicopter was missing the bottom pieces it was supposed to sit on.  I immediately told Shea that I was sorry that the helicopter was missing pieces that it needed to work and without skipping a beat she looked at me and said, “That’s okay mommy, look at all the pieces that weren’t missing.”  

Ouch!  How often do we focus on what isn’t there, then what is.   I know I am guilty, so much to be thankful for and still, at times, focusing on what isn’t in my possession, what I don’t have.   I have everything one needs and am truly thankful for what I have been blessed with, two beautiful, amazing little girls (that are growing up way too fast), a husband that still loves me after seeing me at my worst, he loves me for me and that is priceless, and pets that make me laugh and are there to squeeze when I need to cry.  A roof over my head and a car that gets us where we need to go.  Food to eat and water to drink,  running water to get me clean and clothes to cover myself, a bed to sleep in and electricity that makes the alarm clock go off to wake me for a job that I am very fortunate to have.   God has blessed me with all I need, remembering that on a daily basis is sometimes a struggle for me and for that I am not proud.   Putting this out there for all to see is kind of scary but hey, it’s me and if you have read this far than I think you know me well enough to know that I am truly grateful for what I have been given 90% of the time, that other 10% needs to dwindle down to zilch.  To live 100% of the time being grateful and thankful would be something, to always see as having enough.

Early last Wednesay morning Shea put a littlest pet shop bird in a cage and said that the little bird was so special to her that he was going to go everywhere with her that day. It is now 7:00 in the evening and everywhere must have meant 15 feet from where the little bird started. Mid morning I took the bird in the cage to her room where she was listening to her ipod and reminded her that she left her most special friend on table. She took the bird from me, put it next to her and continued about her music. Lunch time came and out came a lone Shea, no special bird in hand. She came to the table and only when I mentioned her most special little bird did she go to get him and place him in the exact same spot as this morning and once again reiterated that he was so special to her and he would go everywhere with her for the rest of the day. The bird was the recipient of a fake feeding during lunch but when dishes had been brought over and Shea disappeared, once again the bird sat by it’s lonesome, in the exact same spot as where he came into her life. I thought about taking her most special bird to her, but at this point he obviously wasn’t as special as she kept proclaiming. So, the beloved bird sat on the kitchen table til after dinner. I gave Shea one more chance to notice her most special and she never acknowledged him until I brought him over to the coffee table once she had sat down to watch a movie. The bird sat on the table, not acknowledged, not included, not even noticed. I wonder how many times we say that God will go everywhere with us and then leave Him where we encountered him? Leave him at church, leave Him in the Bible, leave Him where we were and not take Him to where we are going, leave Him in our thoughts that never become actions.

A few weeks ago I went on a field trip with Shea to the Steamboat Arabia museum. The museum was great, but the day with my daughter was better! From the first exhibit to the last , Shea had me in her sight. The kids were supposed to stand up front to get a better view but each time, without fail, Shea would find her way back to me, grab my hand and warm my heart. I also had her in my sight, she would be with her friends, glance over in my direction and give me a grin, a little sign for me to know she hadn’t forgotten about my presence.

Next stop was the park, seventy or so second graders running a muck. I wasn’t as flawless with keeping her in my sight at this location. I would get her in my line of vision and then she would run off with a friend and I would need to relocate her. In one of these moments, with kids everywhere, I could not spot Shea anywhere, then, out of the chaos Shea appears. Running to me with arms wide open, big smile on her face, ready to leap into my arms. In the midst of having fun and doing what she wanted to do, she took the time to say I love you mommy and thank you for coming on my fieldtrip. We snuggled for a moment and then she was on her way again, back to her friends, back to her agenda. I will treasure that moment, that gift she gave me for the rest of my life.

I wonder how too often we forget to glance in God’s direction and thank Him for just being there or take a few minutes out of our play time to tell God that we love Him.

Ever feel like you are in some sort of time warp, a holding pattern against your will? Usually best described as a funk. I have been praying and praying about this or that and I feel like there aren’t any answers coming my way, not a yes or a no, just nothing. I do know that it seems the longer I wait, the more stuff seems to be piling up against me. Waiting is so hard, I prefer the after, when you can look back and say yep, God had it under control the whole time. And, I know that time will come so why be antsy now and not just trust Him. I will be the first to admit, it is so hard to just let go and hand it over. Is it because I can’t physically see God working behind the scenes or is it because, although I believe in God, I doubt that he actually has this in His hands and am afraid I am left to deal with it alone.

It also never fails that when I am in total funk status that things happen around me to make realize that things could be a whole lot worse than they are and to keep believing in Him and things will get better. It is the holding pattern that can drive me crazy. I compare it to Bejeweled Blitz, most of us have played this game or a game like it, get 3 or more of the same in a row and those boxes explode and all new items fill the vacant space. There are times when I am focusing too hard on getting the huge smash and missing all the perfectly set up pairs just waiting for the switch to make them complete. Most of the time when I strictly focus on the huge knockout I never get it because I ignore all the potential moves that are visible but seem inadequate to the big payout. There are times when that game board is in total gridlock, nothing will budge, at least that is what I see. And then I see two little gems that can be switched out to make 3 in a row and then the gems that fill the empty slots can make some more disappear and now we’ve got a game. Other times the first move of the game will knock out a five in a row combo giving you a hyper ball which will get you even more points and those games are the most fun to play because you know you have a fighting chance at getting a great score and get excited to make more and more gems explode. The games that aren’t so fun to me are the ones where you have one lousy move to knock 3 whole boxes out and then 15 seconds before the next set of triple gems show themselves. Those games stink, make you want to give up and start fresh, for me anyway. You have to sit through the crap games to get to the good ones, the ones you want to play and eager to shine and outdo your last performance. I want all the games that are set up to win from the very beginning, less work that way, whoever made the pieces land in that order did all the work and yes I know it is a computer game but someone had to design the game and that someone put the various starting boards in the system.

God is always working, bringing new pieces in to replace ones that are no longer needed. I am trying to think of my life as one big game of blitz. Sometimes the board is going to practically clear itself and other times that first match is going to be downright pitiful but might open up the next move and the move after that and so on. I have to remember to never give up and keep clearing what can clear and eventually the board will turn in my favor, God’s plan all along.

What if we had no more tomorrows, no more time to procrastinate, no more time to waste, no more one days or some days, just no more. I don’t know about anyone else but if I counted all the wasted minutes, hours, days, weeks in my life it would be a sad, sad existence. I know I have spent a good amount of clicks of the clock on the computer just piddling time away, playing just one more game or searching for just one more inconsequential thing. I waste my time and then complain that I don’t have enough of it……kinda sounds silly when said aloud or put in writing. I make excuses for it too, well, it’s not like I have any earth shattering talents to show the world or any major masterpiece to finish before the unveiling so it is really a draw how I spend my time….

But, what if there was no more time? Have I done what I was put on this earth to do or did I just waste it all away, my existence as inconsequential as the last game of solitaire played. Did I reach anyone, did I touch anyone, did I do anything that made a difference or even mattered. These are hard questions when spoken as a monologue or even a dialogue. Did I live the best life I could, not the perfect life but the life that God intended me to live. Did I imitate and honor His Son to the best of my ability or did I look the other way more often than not. I think everyone wants to live the life that really mattered, I am not talking about fancy clothes and flawless looks, I am talking about really doing what was planted in their heart so long ago by the Creator. I have no idea where my journey might lead or even what path I am on or if I am making my own path, a path never ventured, a path unique to my footsteps. Will the steps be small or will they be leaps, will they be straight and narrow or will they dance to my own rhythm? I think these questions can best be answered after, in the calm of the last footstep. We can say we will follow our own path but I don’t think we really know if it was a ground breaking journey or if time had weathered away the footprints of someone long ago.

I don’t think it is important if we are making a fresh path in the world, I do think it is important that time is being used wisely. Are we using time to reach out, to help out, to listen, to reach for our dreams. I do not have a mind blowing educational resume. I have one high school diploma from a time when it was cool to use aerosol hair spray and a hair dryer to position your hair just the way you wanted, usually a good 3 inches from your scalp, needless to say, that diploma isn’t going to get me anywhere in this world, nada, nowhere, zilch. I went to a few colleges, took a few classes and then departed with nothing to show, my parents must be so proud. I have worked since I was 14 so working isn’t new to me, but doing something I love and making some money doing it would be a new threshold. I have the support and encouragement of a number of good friends and family and that may be all I need and of course God’s good graces and blessing me with something I don’t deserve. This year is half over and so far I have written more in these past six months than I ever have and have thoroughly enjoyed it! My journey, my dream, my passions are helping others and writing, I do believe we each have at least two passions, both fulfill your heart but one is just a bit more selfish than the other.

What is your passion? What were you put on this earth to do? And are you doing it?

“I’m right!”“No, I’m right!” “Mom, tell her I am right!”

Sound familiar? All too familiar? I was driving the girls to school the other morning and Shea was talking about her fieldtrip next week to Kaleidoscope. She was saying how excited she is to see the glow in the dark wax, Meg took this opportunity to chime in and tell her she remembers the melted glow in the dark crayon from when she went last year. Shea was not pleased that Meg was chiming in on her thoughts and was less pleased that Meg was giving incorrect information. “It’s not melted crayon MEGAN, it is wax, if you don’t know what you are talking about then don’t say anything.” Insert first line here and then I had heard enough. I took a moment to tell them they are both right, which didn’t please Shea in the least because how can 2 people be right when using different words? Meg had a told you so look on her face. Thank Goodness it was time for them to get out of the car and have a fabulous day at school because at 8:15 in the morning I am not up for much bickering about things that just don’t matter, matter to me that is. Last thing I hear before Shea jumps out of the van is, “I don’t care what mom said, I am right!” Well, that was a few minutes of my life I will never get back.

I am obviously a few years wiser, I mean older than the girls so obviously I am going to have an increased amount of knowledge in my brain, I should anyway. I could without a doubt see that they were talking about the same thing but using different words, yet to each other the other was wrong and that was final.

I wonder if that is how God feels when He hears less than all knowing humans bickering back and forth about insignificant details. If He is saying, “You are both right or in some cases you are both wrong, but either way please stop bickering and try to see it through the other’s eyes or better yet, try to see it through My eyes.” I think all too often we are so firmly rooted in our thoughts, right or wrong, that we forget to take the time to really try to see it or hear it through other eyes and ears. I think so many times we take things out of the context they were meant and fiddle with them til we are offended and must prove the other wrong. Megan obviously didn’t mean to start an argument over the wording she used, she was just saying it how she remembered it, since she had already been to where Shea was going, she knew more detail and knew that indeed the wax was from the crayons that they melt right in front of you. Life is so, so short, reminders every so often that we only get this one time around. I wish we could all just enjoy the ride instead of focusing on the details that just don’t matter. Be Thankful for what we have been given: God will not entrust us with more until we have shown Him we can be trusted with and thankful for what has already been given to us. I think this applies to knowledge as well, if we are always looking to prove someone else wrong then we are not growing and not showing God we are worthy of more knowledge.

“Take sips of this pure wine being poured. Don’t mind that you’ve been given a dirty cup.” – Rumi

How many of us are truly doing what we want to do in life? How many of us are taking steps to figure out what we want to do in life? How many of us are going through the motions of life and hope that there will always be a tomorrow so we may actually live for the first time in a great while.

Life is going by so quickly, before we know it the Christmas decorations will be needing to be displayed. Life is flying by, where does the time go? Is anything accomplished in the time that has passed or will be accomplished in the time to come? Ever wish you knew just how much time you have left on this earth? I know that would make me more productive, if I knew I only had a few years then I bet I would use my time more wisely, savor the small moments, truly live. As many of you have figured out by now, I am trying my hand at writing. I don’t know if it will ever “take me anywhere” or maybe I have already arrived and just don’t know it.

If I could dream and not fail….what powerful words, take out the if and you are allowing yourself to become. And to not fail, sometimes failure is achieved by unrealistic goals. If we lower our hurdles and raise them gradually, bound by bound, then they are suddenly not so unattainable. Could you imagine doing what you have been called to do? Some find their calling easily, others search for years and even decades, others never grasp it because they never bothered to look…..how sad, what if it was hiding under the next conversation you never bothered to have. God loves to use the domino effect, absolutely loves it. One little thing leads to another little bigger thing and then Whamo, you never saw it coming but so thankful you didn’t look the other way and miss it completely.

Shea came home from school the other day and was so excited. She couldn’t wait to tell me that some of the caterpillars had come out of their cocoons and they were now butterflies. Well, 2 of them had become butterflies and the rest were still working on it, except for one. Her attention focused on the one caterpillar/butterfly. The butterfly had started to emerge but didn’t come fully out of the cocoon and it still looked like it hadn’t fully turned so we decided it was half caterpillar and half butterfly, either a caterfly or a butterpillar, we had a good laugh about that one. A caterpillar with wings, the wings were present but useless because of the weight of the body. The butterpillar would attempt to fly but would keep bumping it’s butt on the ground and never get anywhere. You will be happy to know that the caterfly emerged the next day as a fully developed butterfly, no longer the mutant we had created it to be. Of course, this one got me thinking…..we all have the capability of becoming beautiful butterflies but instead choose to be caterpillars and lollygag on the ground when we could have wings that would take us to places we thought unattainable. Some of us choose to have wings and think about using them every once in a while, attempt take off, bump our butt and give up. I wonder if we made our wings stronger then we could successfully take off and only land on the ground by our choosing, knowing we are capable of soaring again. I believe this is what it is like when we find our calling, our true purpose, the reason we were created. We suddenly see the clear blue sky instead of the confining, dismal ground………………….Are you ready to spread your wings and soar?